I realize it might sound a bit loony to say that I am not alone in my head. I suppose that may be correct, but I believe it to be true. Seriously, with all the chatter in my head, it’s a wonder I get anything accomplished, or any sleep. Perhaps I should explain, or at least clarify what I mean.
It’s quite simple really, and not all that “crazy”. I know I didn’t have this issue when I was younger, and single. Clearly this is a gift, perk, burden, or bonus, of being part of a couple or a parent.
Being single, I had only my self to answer to. If I chose to go shopping after work, I didn’t need to call and inform anyone I would be home later than the regular hour. If I went to get my hair cut, and then decided to wander the mall, no one was concerned where I was. Decide one day to take a drive to the big city- not a problem. Just me, inside my head making choices, decisions. Good or bad, they were all mine.
Being a couple was tough, at first, after being single for so long, to remember there might be another person that cared where I was. I would remember to let him know I was heading to the library to return a book. To him, that meant I was driving to the library, returning the book and coming home. I had a tendency to return the book, remember I wanted to look for shoes or clothes, stop 3 times before I got home, and realize, as I pulled in the driveway, I had been gone for quite some time. Entering the house, he would have that worried, where have you been? look on his face.
Having kids added a new dimension to the mix. All of a sudden I not only had my own thoughts, and those of my dear husband, but my children as well. Going to the store wasn’t just a grab the purse jaunt. Now it was the purse, the diaper bag, the stroller, and the kids. What an ordeal! Not only was my mind trying to decipher my purchase, it was thinking about the wonderful child with me. Is he hungry? Has he stealthily placed an item in the cart that will have to be purchased because he chewed on it? Have we been gone too long? Have we missed nap time? My children have grown up, and shopping with them isn’t quite the big ordeal it once was. With an Autistic son,however, it is still challenging, and a story for another day.
The thing is, there isn’t much time that I don’t have everyone else’s thoughts in my head along with my own. Quite tiring at times, and a bit distracting. Even relaxing gets noisy in there. Have I been gone too long? If I take a nap will I be late to pick them up? Does the dog need to go out? Did I remember the bank, the library, the store? Are all the forms signed for son’s school? On and on all those things in my head just jumbled up and bouncing around in there.
I think I shall put some headphones on, go for a walk, let the music drown out the other noise and figure the rest out later.